my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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