Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
