dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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