The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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