I wish my penis had an off switch
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
