I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
