btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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