OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
