fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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