he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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