That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
