***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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