Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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