Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
