he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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