3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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