On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
