I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We left the knife in your bed.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
