he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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