The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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