you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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