And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
