Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
