You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
