who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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