New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
