I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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