Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
