why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
