i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
