I wish my penis had an off switch
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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