my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
