im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
