you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
