Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
