i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
