Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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