WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
bring money and cleavage
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
