my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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