Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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