it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
