Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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