the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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