Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
