In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
