All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
