I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
