and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
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My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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