I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
