standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
