Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
