Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
