I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
