He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
