I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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