Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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