someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize
