I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
