I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
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Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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