LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
