I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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